recovering from auto-pilot
Holy moly. It’s been a minute since I last wrote anything substantial. Adjusting to new routines and spaces is always a process, and I was thrown off my game a bit with traveling, illness, exams, new projects at work, and buying a car. The unintentional hiatus has now ended, though!
A recap of thoughts and feelings from the last month or so:
The last two weeks of February felt like an alternate vortex of space and time. I traveled to San Diego for a long weekend, and it somehow threw off all the rhythms I established at the start of 2019 — but in the best way possible. Before that trip, I didn’t realize how often I was operating in auto-pilot mode. Shaking things up a little was so needed, so now I’m working on trying to feel less like a robot and more like a human. Which is hard enough as is! Maybe this is just an inevitable byproduct of functioning under capitalism? Feeling like I’m on a conveyor belt to nowhere and not tending to the things that matter to my soul?
There’s also something about this time of year that drives me to fill up my plate with new responsibilities and activities, and ultimately lead to these robotic tendencies. I hypothesize it’s due to increased hours of sunlight that signal my body to feel more energized throughout the day (thanks Daylight Savings), and thus leads to an illusory confidence of being able to take on more. I fear of becoming a “busy-trap” monster again (someone who is constantly gloating and glorifying how “busy” they are, which is a slippery slope into burn out). But then again, life is short and I want to live it to the fullest and do all I can to leave some sort of positive impact on this dying dumpster fire planet!!!!
*Sigh*
Regardless of its complicated effects on my psyche, I have been a fan of this season’s Daylight Savings change. While mild in comparison to pretty much everywhere else, feeling the visceral change in daytime sunlight as the Bay Area transitions into spring has been awe-inducing. Leaving the office after 6 PM and still seeing bright blue above is just…exactly what my soul needed. I can smell the light hint of jasmine in the breeze, and am reminded that as the seasons shift, so do we. To celebrate, I started a Spotify playlist titled “goodbye seasonal depression” that tries to capture this springtime energy.
In other news, random projects I’m also working on that are probably emblematic of the whole busy complex/pathology mentioned above, but WHATEVER:
A Slack channel for folks applying to/thinking about grad school. It’s a space to share resources, keep each other accountable, and offer support.
A March Madness bracket via CBS Sports. This has become a tradition inspired by a friend who we lost from the world too soon. Garrett famously led and united his City Year team through this NCAA tournament two years ago — I thought it would be fun to embody that joy and spirit, too.
I’m doing Camp NaNoWriMo in April! My project is to work on a collection of pieces on grief, complicated loss, and mental health.
For any of the above, h i t m e u p if you want to join! Or if you know anyone who may be interested in doing so. The more, the merrier!
So much has gone down this past month. Trying to keep up with everything happening in the world of music, politics, sports, education, technology, etc. has been three much. Here are just some highlights of what I’ve been…
reading: Lessons from Parkland via The 74*; how the On Being Project acknowledged their office’s occupation of Dakota Land; Alok Vaid-Menon embracing vulnerability on Valentine’s Day; the importance of creating a Failure Resume via NYT; NPR on Why The College Admissions Scandal Hurts Students With Disabilities
listening/watching: Peter Cottontale’s “Forever Always” vid; Pod Save the People’s recent episode, Mango Season; Voices from the Field, a podcast “by pediatric clinicians doing pioneering work in ACEs** screening & prevention”; Wither by Frank Ocean (& other tracks from Endless)
thinking about: how the whole college admissions scandal came as no surprise/especially California being in the center of it & how we need to be talking more about the massive inequalities of higher education access. Shout out to Elize who pointed out the bogus affirmative action “debates” we were forced to participate in during high school that never addressed the inequality we were all embedded in (i.e. the common practice of utilizing ways to get ahead, such as SAT prep courses, college counselors, etc.) AND how despite their quoted assurances, orgs like The College Board have never cared about leveling the playing field. What a mess!!!!!!
*The 74 produces a fantastic newsletter, the T74, that churns out great spotlights, think-pieces, and data on current education news & policy. If you’re involved or passionate about education in any form, I would recommend giving them a follow.
**ACEs = adverse childhood experiences
Thanks for hanging in there if you managed to read through the incoherency of this post as I get back into the swing of writing.
May you tackle this week with clarity, curiosity, and joy! Feel free to pass along this tiny corner of the internet to anyone who might enjoy it. You can subscribe here.
xoxo